Tasers Work

Here in North Florida people who go to school board meetings debate the use of tasers by school resource officers.

Tasers are Star Trek style ray guns which deliver powerful electric shocks.

School resources officers (which we never needed when I was in highschool) are cops who have offended the administration—maybe they didn’t sell their quota of Policeman’s Ball tickets— and as punishment are assigned to keep order in area highschools.

They deserve hazardous duty pay.

Whether or not they are allowed to tase criminal students instead of shooting them outright, generates debate.

Personally, I think anyone who keeps students who want to learn from learning should be shot and their bodies run up the flagpole in the courtyard.

Ok. Ok. Maybe it should only happen at the second offence.

I take this stance because Monday I was subjected to a taser attack.

No. A policeman did not zap me.

It was a medical professional.

See, I visited a doctor because my hands have begun to tremble. So naturally, he ordered tests on my feet.

This latest medical theory derives from that old spiritual:

De foot bone ‘connected to the anklebone,
De ankle bone connected to the shin bone,…
De shin bone connected to de leg bone
De leg bone connected to the tail bone…

And so on up to my hand bone….

So, the technician connected electrodes to my thighs, shins and points south then zapped me with this taser which was connected to a computer which showed pain spikes on a vivid blue screen.

If she scores 24,000 points or more, she wins a trip to the Bahamas.

When I was in highschool, we did this same sort of electricial test to make the leg of a dead frog jerk and jump.

Fortunately, this test proved what friends and family have observed for years: that I’m a numb ass.

Even when Mr. Spock ordered, “Jim, set the Phasers on stun”. I would often feel nothing.

This means that if I were still in highschool, the kiddy cops would definitely have to shoot me with a Glock instead of a taser.

Actually, this test was not so bad.

Even the part when they gave up on the taser and used knitting needles filed to a blunt point to probe to see if there are actually bones inside my legs.

Afterwards I thanked the nurse technician and the doctor for their efforts to help me. Essentially they did for me the same sort of service Jesus did for His friends when He washed their feet just before He died for us all.

The nurse remarked that her work was a lot like an auto mechanic's as he might do a diagnostic test on your car.

I disagreed.

No auto mechanic has to replace a fan belt while the engine is running.

Doctors and nurses do not get to shut the machine (that's me) down while they make repairs.

Of course my test proved inconclusive.

Maybe the one next month…

Meanwhile, my hands still tremble.

For me, the worse part of the ordeal was being touched by these strangers. My skin crawls. I cringe when touched. I’m not a touchy feely person. Being pawed causes me mental and physical anguish. And during this hour+ nerve damage test people touched me a lot.

In fact, that part of the test upset me so that I came home and slept for over 24 hours.

Of course after all this trauma, I felt the need of some spiritual encouragement.

Did I read the Book of Ecclesiastes or Thessalonians?

No.

I picked up a copy of Dave Barry Is From Mars & Venus.

I read it through at one sitting.

After that reading, I feel uplifted and my soul doth magnify the Lord!

In spite of having been zapped by the taser..