Moving From Here To Where

Where am I headed?

And why am I in this hand-basket?

Yes, I’m moving ahead again. After a lull. After I finished editing and publishing William F. short’s 1854 Diary, I experienced a backlash, a letdown, which put me in a stupor—that is, more of a stupor than usual.

This always happens at the end of a difficult project. I go to afterburners to complete the task, and I fool myself into thinking I can maintain that pace permanently, then like a calf roped by a cowboy, or like a thief on the scaffold, I hit the end of my rope, and swing in the breeze, not going anywhere.

Short once said in a diary entry: “Today I thought much; did little”.

I can go him one better, “Today I thought little; did less”.

That describes many of my recent days.

After a lull, during which I kick myself for being a lazy, useless, sorry, no-account, I slowly recover and begin to function again on a low level until the mania for writing builds up steam and I start the process all over again.

And here’s the thing: during all this I’m a Christian seeking the will of God for my life from where I stand at the moment. Yet, I am victim to the cyclic effect of my own work habits and psyche. I know this letdown happens, but I fall for it every time. Some folks never learn.

So, at the moment, I’m moving in three similar directions:

First, off and on I continue to transcribe Barbara White’s prayer diaries—a long term task which is essentially clerical.

Second, my e-friend Sherri, who is knowledgeable about marketing, recently stimulated my thinking about promoting my books. Although I resist self-promotion, she pointed out the value of certain steps I can take—and she made a lot of sense. So, last week, when a newspaper reporter called, I agreed to an interview and was quoted in last Saturday’s paper.

See, Sherri, I do listen.

In the same vein as Sherri suggested, I’m investigating uploading 20 or so books into Google Books—a daunting task. I asked my son Donald, a computer whiz, to help me with this, but he’s deeply involved with more important projects.

Not only is Donald working full time as a computer network manager, being active in his church, supporting his family, and getting his daughter into college, but in a couple of weeks he enrolls in seminary to study becoming a Christian minister.

Full plate!

I’m proud of him.

But, his busyness means I’m on my own navigating the intricate shoals and rocks and PDFs and Java ™ Platform SE Binary and Co-Branded Search and APIs and spreadsheets and territorial rights and 10 or 13 character ISBNs with leading zeros and HTMLs (whatever they are) of Google’s complex process… Oh well, if God wants it done, I’ll get it done; if not, it’s all Donald’s fault.

Third, I’ve decided on which book idea to pursue next.

Years ago, I defaulted on a book contract to write a book about knowing the will of God. The working title of my book was to be If God Leads Me, Why Do I Run In Circles?

I took the publisher’s advance money and pocketed it. Then things came up. Disturbing things which made me realize that I know virtually nothing about the Lord or His will. I made many false starts and wasted hundreds of pages of text trying to write this book.

I just couldn’t.

The publisher exercised great patience again and again, moved deadlines several times, then gave up on me, and forgave my debt.

Yet, this book idea haunted me off and on for all these years.

After finishing the Short Diary, I made a list of some book ideas I want to do. Six of eight topped my list as I sought God’s will about what I’m to work on next. That defaulted book kept rising to the surface as I weighted pros and cons about my list.

While I pondered what to do, I did common everyday chores, mowed grass, cleaned the fish tank, read library books, washed dishes, watching the Frankenstein Must Be Destroyed video …. As I did these mundane things, a slow conviction grew that now is the time for me to finish writing If God Leads…

I know less about finding the will of God for my life than I did when I was cocksure and younger. In fact my faith wobbles like a kid’s spinning top running down. I feel less confidence than ever before in my life. Yet, I suspect If God Leads should be what I should write next.

Yes, I used to be indecisive. But now I’m not sure about that.