To and Fro

Wednesday, like a certain well-known biblical character, I roamed to and fro over the surface of the earth.

I kept the car so I could run various errands.

First I drove Ginny to work then, since the bank wasn’t open yet, I drove to Whiteway Delicatessen to enjoy a breakfast of fried eggs, hot fried sausage and the greasiest, tastiest pile of home fries to be found. The way they prepare breakfast insures that it is no-fat and low-cholesterol — has to be, I was able to walk out under my own steam.

A wonderful treat… except for one thing.

Some customer, with a mouth loud enough to be heard by everyone in the place, insisted on telling jokes about menopause, Jews, lesbians and Viet Nam veterans. When no one would laugh at one offensive joke, he’d try to top it with one even more offensive.

Now as a gentleman and a Christian, I know I’m not to be judgmental of others so in keeping with the tenants of Christian charity I will not call him a dog-fucking asshole. No, I’m above such pettiness. We Christians don't say things like that.

Next, I drove to the bank to cash our income tax refund check.

I have this theory: Instead of selecting a president by the electoral college, I think that the guy who pays the most tax ,in proportion to his income, in a given year should be named President for that year.

During my First Hundred Days, I’d recall all American troops then A-Bomb everyplace between London and Hawaii. Whichever way the wind blows, would the fallout hurt anyone who means our country well?

Then I’d solve the immigration problem by building an 18-foot electric fence along the St. Mary’s River to keep all those yankees on their own side of the border and out of Florida.

My administration would also address other issues.

Gun Control: No one could own a gun except me. With plenty of ammunition.

Abortion Reform: Parents would be able to abort any child up till the kid reaches age 30; by then the parents could decide if the kid will turn out to be a decent person and decide whether or not to keep him.

Drive-by Shootings: If you can hear the radio from another car, you get to shoot the driver as he drives by.

Drunk Driving: First offence, gouge out his right eye with his own car keys. Second offence gouge out his left eye. Third offence: Well, there’d be no third offence.

Education Reform: Learn or Burn.

Drug Dealers: Lethal injection. Bleach is cheap and does the trick.

Enough daydreaming!

I’m getting too mellow in my old age.

I drove to the gas station where I spent all our tax refund. Humm… Also, during my First Hundred Days I’d execute the top three executives of each oil company for treason (How has Al Qaeda hurt the average American more than these guys?) and see if the number four man in the company might not find some possible way to lower gas prices. Say by midnight tonight.

Anyhow, when I walked into the gas station, the two clerks on duty were behind the counter engaged in heavy petting and groping.

“It’s against company policy to do that in front of customers,” I announced as they sprang apart.

I paid for my gas, then said, “The customer is now leaving the store; you may go back to what you were doing. Have fun.”

I don’t think the guy understood English but the girl got the giggles over my teasing.

Next I drove to Abandon-Hope-All-Ye-Who-Enter-Here-Mart. Actually, I’d stopped at another store first hoping to avoid having to go into the mart but the other place didn’t carry the pool chemical I needed so I was forced to go to Hell-mart.

While I was there, I bought a pair of winos, the $6 dollar canvas shoes I favor, but I bought a pair a half size larger because my feet have taken to swelling, burning and stinging most afternoons

There went the last of the tax refund.

Drove back home. Too exhausted to get any work done. Read a murder mystery till time to drive to pick up Ginny.

No spiritual insights today.

Some days are just days.

Oh, the biblical “to and fro” reference comes from Job, chapter 1, verse 7.