Alien Space Craft Lands in my backyard

As I worked in our backyard I heard a strange swishing noise in the sky above our house. Looking up I saw an alien spacecraft descending. No, not a flying saucer but a full-rigged Viking ship propelled through the air by oars.

As it settled out by our double tree, I clearly saw the dragon figurehead, the red-striped sail painted with a design resembling a cross between the face on the shroud of Turin and the Kon Tiki face. Dozens of metal shields lined the sides. Each shield bore an advertising logo or slogan: Preparation H, Coke Zero, Watson Reality, Jesus Saves, Kellog’s Corn Flakes, Carter’s Little Liver Pills, Viagra, Ralston Purina Dog Food, Vote For Jake Godbold, etc.

Beside the single mast stood a nine-foot-tall naked Lady waving a battle ax, apparently she is captain of the craft. As soon as the ship grounded on our lawn, she and 30 horn-hat-wearing Vikings jumped. over the gunnels and ran straight to our birdfeeder where they scooped up handfuls of seeds and ate them as fast as they could stuff then in, as though they’d traveled for light-years without food and were starving.

Once the birdfeed was empty, they turned to the metal can where we store birdseed. Not having a can opener, the giant lady swung her battleax splitting the storage can and again she and the crew gorged themselves on birdseed.

I approached and offered to give them some real food. “We have some pork chops in the freezer,” I said.

The Lady turned indignantly and informed me, “All True Vikings are vegetarians! We only eat birdseed or tofu. Got any tofu in the house?”

I explained that I’m a Christian and that real Christians never eat tofu.

“Curious religion,” she said. “Know where we can get some tofu?”

“Yes, Mam,” I said directing her to Whiteway Delicatessen, a yuppie place over on King Street .

Hearing that tofu was available only blocks away, the Lady and her crew piled back aboard their ship, manned the oars, and began to row across my lawn. Faster and faster they pulled, the oar tips digging divots of dirt and grass out of the lawn. The ship rose higher into the air with each stroke till the oar strokes brushed tree tops as the ship headed East toward Whiteway.

“Hey,” I yelled as they cleared the trees, “Who’s going to pay for my birdseed and to fix the divots in my lawn?”

“Charge it to my Discover Card,” the Naked Lady called as the ship pulled out of sight over my neighbor’s housetop.

I quit yardwork and came back inside to make my blog entry for today wondering if anybody ever reads these things?