The Geeks Had A Word For It — Aphenphosmphobia

And old joke asks, “Know the difference between major surgery and minor surgery”?

Minor surgery is anything the doctor does to you; major surgery is anything the doctor does to ME!

Yesterday’s post about my biopsy neglected to say that the procedure I underwent was a perfectly routine minor affair which my doctor must do for guys a dozen times a week. It was only my personal skittishness that made it unusual.

I was more of a pain in the ass to the doctor than he was to me!

Since Ginny knew I’d not feel like doing much after the biopsy, she brought me a mind candy book to read and relax with yesterday. She brought me Carl Hiaasen’s most recent novel, Nature Girl, just released last month.

Hiaasen, a Miami Herald newspaper columnist, writes best-selling novels with a theme of preserving the natural beauty of Florida. He presents kooky characters, bizarre situations and odd world-views with side-slapping humor.

I love his books.

On page 54 of Nature Girl, Hiassen introduces a sleazy character, villain of the piece, who suffers from aphenphosmphobia.

I had never heard this word before and I have no idea how to pronounce it; it means a fear of being touched!

Never in my life have I ever met any other person that feels like I do about being touched and here …………

(I’m writing this about 4 a.m. when the phone rang with a frantic call from my panicked, frightened neighbor saying his home is being broken into. I called 911 to report a break-in in progress. I ran outside barefoot in my robe to hear a loud altercation in their backyard, a fight between the homeowner and the intruder. From our driveway I called police dispatch again and directed officers to the scene. Good thing. Responding officers had gotten lost trying to find the place. Our cul de sac is off the beaten track and hard to locate. I don’t know why the neighbor called me instead of dialing the cops directly. Two patrol cars darted up and officers raced into the neighbor’s home. They are still there — a normal morning around here).

Now, where was I?

Oh, yes.

Never in my life have I ever met any other person that feels like I do about being touched and here Carl Hiaasen’s novel reveals that not only are there others but that there is even a name for this condition.

I Googled the word aphenphosmphobia and found about 800 listings, most of them just lists of phobias. There is even an organization which seeks to cure aphenphosmphobia, although I can’t imagine why anyone would need curing. After all it is just a background idiosyncrasy in my world.

In fact, I’ve never thought of it as being a fear, just a quirk, an aversion to being touched. I adjust my life accordingly. No big deal.

Now ours is a hugging, affectionate family and my aversion to touch seldom bothers me around Ginny, our children, or friends. I do not do well whenever we have visited one of those “friendly” churches where members hug and paw and shake hands all the time; such places are agony for me. But since that’s an expression of their worship, I endure it whenever I have to go to such a church.

I have noticed that when my duty calls for hands-on compassion, the Holy Spirit seems to lift my aversion so that I can hug and comfort someone in need (see “Tits & Tobacco”, in the July 30^th, and “Chugging Along With Joy”, in the November 21^st, posts of my 2005 blog archives for two such instances).

So, I manage to function.

Causes me discomfort, but it’s no big deal.

It just came as a surprise to me to read that I’m not the only person in the world with this particular quirk. It also surprised me to find that there is a name for it. And it was especially surprising for me to read this the day after the biopsy ordeal (which my mind created for myself).

Weird.

On page 96 of Nature Girl, one sexy female character says, “Leprosy is a disease. The fear of being groped is a mental condition”.

On reflection, it should not surprise me that I am not the only person to feel as I do. St. Paul once said: “There hath no temptation taken you but such as in common to man”.

In King James English the word temptation not only means temptation to sin but the word also carries with it the meaning of problem, or trial or trouble.:

So Paul’s words can be read as, There is no problem that you have but that other people go through the same sort of thing.

He goes on to say, “But God is faithful, who will not suffer you to be tempted above that ye are able; but will with the temptation also make a way to escape, that ye may be able to bear it”.

Or: God is faithful who will not let you have troubles more than you can handle but will with that same trouble make a way to escape so that you can endure it.

No matter what trial or trouble or problem or even temptation to sin we face — we are not in it alone.

God will help us to manage, to put up with, to endure, and to eventually triumph.

Well, I see the cop cars have left my neighbor’s house. I didn’t see them put anybody in the car cage. No shots fired My night has turned dark and silent again. Mine is the only light on in the block. Probably much ado about nothing. I suspect it was not a break-in but a domestic dispute. I’ll call later to pick up the gossip about what happened.

Time for me to put on coffee. Then I’ll read some more in the Hiassen book before Ginny wakes up. I can’t wait to see how the story ends.

Thanks be to God.