Depression At Christmas Tide

I am older than my father.

I’ve already lived more years than he had when he died.

As Christmas approaches, I think of my parents often. I remember Christmases past and the things I remember strongest are the disappointments – not how I felt disappointed but how I disappointed people I cared about.

The one phrase I remember most our of my childhood is “John, I’m so disappointed in you”. My Dad really wanted me to succeed as a truck driver and told me how disappointed he was that I never made the grade. My Mother’s greatest fear was that I would embarrass her.

And I did.

As Christmas approaches I recall how often I’ve disappointed others in my life. From my oldest son to my youngest daughter, I keenly feel how I’ve failed them, slighted them and not lived up to their expectations. And around Christmas, my mind dwells on these things.

Like that time back when we were poor and my teenaged son Johnny wanted a guitar so bad he could taste it. With a guitar he felt he could be such a hit with his high school crowd. He knew he would win girls and influence girls if he only had a guitar.

Well, times were hard back then. The winter was hard. My job was hard. Keeping the family afloat was hard.

Everything got hard but me.

But Johnny needed that guitar, so I prowled the pawn shops at Eight and Main till I found one I could afford. It cost ten dollars. Ten dollars was all I had in the world.

When the man took it down from the wall I found that it was a five-string guitar, but there were only three strings on it. The pawnshop man told me he could sell me a pack of guitar strings for an additional ten dollars.

But I didn’t have another ten dollars.

I paid for the guitar thinking I’d be able to buy the strings after payday – but my next payday wouldn’t be till after Christmas.

So I ended up giving my son a guitar with no strings.

I remember how his face lit up when he saw that guitar under the tree; and how his face fell when he realized he couldn’t play it. Oh, he was thankful and appreciative and said it was alright and that he’d wait till payday came …

But at one time or another I’ve seen that same expression on the faces of virtually every person whose path crossed mine in life. My parents, my children, my first wife, my teachers, my bosses, my friends – and, sometimes I imagine God Himself, has worn that expression.

The biggest fear in my life is that someday Ginny will come to her senses and realize what a disappointment I am; I fear that people who read my books and stuff will suddenly realize what a fake I am.

I worry that I will be found out. Uncovered. Exposed.

Then I realize that I am not the center of other peoples’ universes.

Instead of being shocked at me, they are most likely to just say, “O, that’s just John” and move right along with their lives undisturbed.

I am not alone with my annual Christmas depression.

Yesterday morning Jacksonville’s sheriff was on the radio saying that this time of year traffic deaths increase 18%. Heavy drinking increases. Suicides increase. Family squabbles and domestic battery increases. Depression increases.

Besides that, there are dozens of Christmas songs that trigger depressing feelings. You’ll be bobbing along to Sleigh Ride when the radio switches to Have Yourself a Merry Little Christmas and the load drops.

What are we to do about such depression?

Sometimes about the only thing we can do is pray the prayer of Ziggy:

That helps.

Another thing that helps me when my mind tracks with depressing thoughts is to say the word STOP! Right out loud. Or silently if I have to. That halts the negative thought train and I can deliberately switch it to another track.

I also try to think about why Christ came into this fallen world – to seek and to save the lost, to give us abundant life, to destroy the works of the devil, to help us beat whatever’s got us licked.

He came to make us accepted in the Beloved.

Yes, we’ve disappointed others. Mostly we’ve disappointed our own high opinion of ourselves…

That hurts.

But someday mobs of people, thousands of thousands and ten thousands of ten thousands of people from every tribe and tongue and kindred and nation on earth will stand before the throne of God to hear him say, “Well done, you good and faithful servants”.

There is a chance – an excellent chance because Christ is good at what He does-- that you and I will be back there in Row 832, Section G-7, cheering right along with all those others.

Yes indeed, whatever else it does, Christmas reminds us of hope.