In For The Long Haul—With Cookies

A passing tourist snapped this photo of Ginny and me in St. Augustine last summer:

We were sitting on a shady bench in a park smoking and talking about marriage.

Wednesday night at the library we again fell into a discussion about marriage. A young man noticed us and asked, “How do you two manage to stay together for so long?”

I replied, “The grace of Jesus Christ”.

I regretted that quip, a damn pious platitude to his serious question. Yes, what I said is true but evasive, a knee-jerk reaction to an out-of-the-blue question, not a real answer.

This stranger really had no interest in our marriage. He hungered for somebody to talk to about his own. He needed a listener, not a bumper sticker response to his pain.

He explained that he and his wife had been married for three years and now faced splitting up. “I don’t know if we should quit now or hold on a little longer,” he said.

“Hold on whatever it takes,” I said. “When all is said and done in this world the only thing you’ve got is each other”.

Understand that these words of wisdom come from a guy who failed at his first marriage. Ginny and I have been married for only 42 years now and I don’t want to fail again. And yes, recently a couple down the block who’ve been married as long as we have broken up. Just because you’ve been together a long time doesn’t mean you can take it for granted.

When the young man asked if there were some secret to staying in love, we felt at a loss to answer. We think we’re doing something right, but we can’t pinpoint what it is. Love is just there, sort of a white-noise background to each of us moving through life.

“Be totally honest with each other,” I ventured. “Nobody loves anybody all the time. Realize that, and don’t have unrealistic expectations”.

Ginny said, “One thing that’s helps us is to be able to say, ‘I love you forever, but I can’t stand you right this minute. Check back with me in the morning’”.

The lines at the video reserve counter moved on separating us from the stranger. “Hold on. It’s worth it in the long haul,” I encouraged him in parting.

Yes, it is the grace of Jesus Christ that keeps us going. I’m crazy in love with Ginny and she appears to fine me tolerable too, but it is God’s grace that makes us able to live with eachother. When our youngest daughter got married on January first (see that entry for photos), I think I gave her and Clint that same counsel, to cling to the Lord God and to eachother. That’s all that counts in the long run.

If we ever run into that stranger again, I might have more to say.

To show how a long-term, loving relationship works, here is the body of an e-mail about chocolate chip cookies; my son Johnny sent it to me last week:

A very old man lay dying in his bed. In death's doorway, he suddenly smelled the aroma of his favorite chocolate chip cookie wafting up the stairs.

He gathered his remaining strength and lifted himself from the bed. Leaning against the wall, he slowly made his way out of the bedroom, and with even greater effort forced himself down the stairs, gripping the railing with both hands.

With labored breath, he leaned against the door frame, gazing into the kitchen. Were it not for death's agony, he would have thought himself already in Heaven.

There, spread out on newspapers on the kitchen table were literally hundreds of his favorite chocolate chip cookies.

Was it Heaven? Or was it one final act of heroic love from his devoted wife, seeing to it that he left this world a happy man?

Mustering one great final effort, he threw himself toward the table. The aged and withered hand, shaking, made its way to a cookie at the edge of the table, when he was suddenly smacked with a spatula by his wife.

“Stay out of those,” she said, “They're for the funeral”.