A Scary Time At Sea

I’m afraid.

I don’t know what to do.

This is a scary time for me.

A transition time. A transition to — I don’t know what.

I’m adrift at sea in a leaky row boat and I can’t see the shoreline. I don’t know which way to go, which way is safe.

I feel lost and my little boat floats in danger of being swamped.

Monday I removed the last of the debris from the work I’ve been doing on the house. The place is in better shape than it has been for years.

Now, I don’t know what to do next.

I’m adrift.

This creates great anxiety for me. Since January 17^th I’ve been painting and sawing and cleaning and renovating… For the past week, I’ve stretched the jobs out, doing niceties around the place instead of necessaries, correcting little things that bug me, taking longer about things no one will ever see, or if they did, notice.

All this busy work to avoid facing whatever comes next in my life.

Back before Christmas I rushed to finish writing that book on the history of the local fire department. I tabled that project for the holidays and by now I’ve really lost my taste for it. And this is a book which I began writing in 1986!

I don’t know whether I should push ahead and finish the damn thing, try to write something else, or look for a real job, one that pays cash money

I can’t piddle around the yard forever.

So I ask, “Lord, what would You have me to do”?

And I get no answer.

God has clammed up.

No roll of thunder. No whisper of wind. The stars too are silent.

Or, if God is speaking, I don’t hear Him.

Naturally, my mind jumps to the worst possible scenarios. Even God finds you useless, John. You’ve been fooling yourself, Cowart, the Good Shepherd never has led you to do anything. Jesus has got it in for you because of the porno sites you looked at on the internet; He’s in a huff and giving you the cold shoulder. God has no use for petty thieves like you. You’re too fat and lazy and stupid and unspiritual for Christ to have any dealings with you — ever! God’s guidance is for other people, godly people, people better than your sorry lazy ass. Love you! Hell, God doesn’t even like you, He can hardly tolerate you.

Oh yes. My naturally glum mind has a field day during uncertain times.

And for me, to a certain extent. all times are uncertain times.

That is so scary.

To feel that neither God nor man has any use for you.

To feel worthless.

Back a few years ago an editor asked me to write a book about How To Find The Will Of God.

“Sure,” I said. “I can whip that out in a couple of months”.

I researched Scripture. I studied the biographies of historic Christians. I examined my own past experiences. I even wrote a glib newspaper column about finding God’s will; I titled it How To Tell God’s Will From Pizza.

I thought my column was so clever.

But, I was not able to write that book.

I just couldn’t do it.

I eventually defaulted on the book contract.

Last year, on March 30, 2007, I wrote a diary entry about how I arrived at the decision not to seek any treatment for my prostate cancer.

Sure, I can pontificate to other people about how to find the will of God.

But, when all is said and done, I must conclude that for myself, I have no idea how to find God’s will.

I’m at sea in a leaky rowboat and I don’t know which direction to row to shore.

Fear of doing the wrong thing (again) paralyzes me.

I’m scared to row in any direction.

What does the Scripture say about all this?

“Whatsoever ye do in word or deed, do all in the name of the Lord Jesus, giving thanks to God and the Father by Him… And whatsoever ye do, do it heartily, as to the Lord, and not unto men”.

I hear that, but…

Working on house and garden stove off my anxiety while I stayed busy. But now that the yard chores are done… I’m in a quandary.

I feel that no matter what I do, it will be wrong.

Looks like after 68 years of living and thinking like this, I’d get used to feeling glum by now. Yes, I’m a Christian who has repeated the above thought process again and again for about 50 years!

I’ve lived scared all that time.

I’ve lived depressed all that time.

I’ve lived confused and apprehensive all that time.

If I have one hope, one modicum of joy in Christ, it is that He is faithful.

I love the Lord because He loved me first.

I suspect that His reality is not my reality. He’s God and He knows what He’s doing. I believe my perception of reality is wrong and His is right.

Isn’t that magnanimous of me?

The Lord should be tickled pink that He has my approval.

And O yes, my fear and confusion are my daily reality. In spite of that, in my writings, no matter what the subject, I try to leave readers with one main thought.

My message is simple — There is hope.

How can I say that when I feel lost at sea in a row boat?

Well, my secret is this:

I harbor a suspicion that my boat sloshes about not on the trackless ocean -- but on the waters of a lake.

A great big land-locked lake.

No mater which direction I chose to row, shore lies dead ahead.

Thanks be to God.